I'm currently attending seminary, and wrote this piece as a homework assignment.
I had the misfortune of experiencing date rape at the age of sixteen and being kidnapped and held against my will. No matter how much I begged, screamed or cried out I was not going to be released. For those of you that are familiar with dominance and the oppression of women, there are times when a woman has been so abused that she truly believes that she is not able to get free. This was the case with me and this man. Under extreme pressure I moved in with him at the age of seventeen and married him at the age of eighteen. I didn't know how to defend myself or to protect myself. I had lived a very protected life and had never dated before. This abuse went on for sixteen years until I came to the point that I had to get out or I was going to take my own life. I got out but believed that I would end up living in my car because I felt so worthless.
God put it on my heart to start a prison ministry. I thought about it and prayed about it for several years and things just didn't seem to come together. A couple of years ago I was put in contact with someone that I felt comfortable with that had been doing prison ministry for over ten years at a women's facility. I filled out the paperwork and was approved to start. Every time that I tried to go something happened. Week after week there was a block to going. Then one day I was having a conversation with one of the leaders at my church (La Jolla Community Church) and he asked me what was on my heart regarding ministry and the church. This is an all white upwardly mobile congregation and I am one of two African Americans who attend. I'm sitting there looking at this white male thinking if I tell him prison ministry he is going to fall out of his chair. In my mind I'm going back and forth, tell him, don't tell him, tell him, don't tell him. So I finally just blurt out, prison ministry. He looks at me for a long moment and I know he thinks I'm crazy and he says, "I have been praying for you to come through the door."
That was it, the journey would begin. He told me that he had done some prison ministry at Donovan Prison in Otay Mesa and that he would get the schedule for training and we could get started as soon as I was ready. I told him that I was ready. So we were off and running with the beginnings of a prison ministry at my church. He did not know my history. He did not know that for ten years after I attained my freedom, whenever I was around any man in any situation, I kept my keys in my pocket so that I would be able to escape. He did not know that for many years, if any man got within a few feet of me I would have a panic attack. So here I was getting ready to go into a high level security men's prison with no immediate escape routes for me, with a bunch of men that had done very bad things.
I was told by the man at my church how it might feel strange hearing the gates shut behind me, but that the prison is basically safe. Strangely, everything for this men's prison ministry continued to fall right into place. Every door opened and all systems were go. So what was I going to do? Was I going to let my remaining fears and animosities keep me from doing what God had called me to do? Or was I going to follow the call and "man up" and just do it?
I have spent years working on overcoming the sixteen years of horror that I went through. I did this through many years of counseling, innumerable hours of praying and journaling and learning to little by little give it over to God. I wasn't able to turn it all over in one big bundle to God, but slowly and steadily I allowed Him in to heal my heart. This was a critical event for me because of what I had been through for sixteen years. Was I going to judge the men in prison based on my past bad experiences? Was I going to judge these men and assume things about them just because they were men or was I going to allow the love of God to continue to walk with me through my history? The decision I would make here would affect all of the ministry opportunities God would place in front of me forever. I chose to listen to the call. I knew that if God had called me to do this he would not allow harm to come to me and that he would continue to heal my heart.
So for the past year, with the exception of a brief medical leave, I go every Sunday to share the word of God with the prisoners at Donovan Correctional Facility. We come together to talk about the word of God and his healing and redemptive power. These men are in prison now, some of them for the rest of their lives. I had also been in prison, a prison of fear but by the grace of God I was able to overcome this and minister to them and they in turn have ministered to me.
This experience has really brought home the power of our prejudices and how they can hinder us. Each Sunday I sit next to men that have murdered people, we hold hands when we pray and I am not afraid. If I had chosen to assume that they were bad men and place a stereotype upon them because they are in prison I never would have learned how truly and deeply God loves all, no matter where we are. Look at Paul and David. They were both murderers. I have learned through this experience that we all have a deep heartfelt need and desire to belong. We all want to be accepted and treated with equality. I've learned that forgiveness and kindness are priceless commodities that we need to give freely and graciously. Each Sunday when I leave Donovan Correctional Facility, I have been blessed and I have been ministered to by the men there and by God. I pray each week before I enter the prison that God will allow me to be a blessing to the men there as well.
member since 2007